I got the feeling a while ago, that I have now finally entered a process forward. I almost do not dare say it's for real this time. So many times have I set up a goals and set the sails for new land. Only to find myself again in the exact same spot (hence previous picture). So this time I am taking it slow. Feeling my way. Allowing the changes to grow a bit on their own, just doing my best to ease along.
After feeling like being dug down far inside a mountain. When it concerns inner change and development. When it concerns following my artistic dreams. When it concerns living my values.
I got the feeling a while ago, that I have now finally entered a process forward. I almost do not dare say it's for real this time. So many times have I set up a goals and set the sails for new land. Only to find myself again in the exact same spot (hence previous picture). So this time I am taking it slow. Feeling my way. Allowing the changes to grow a bit on their own, just doing my best to ease along.
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My mother hates this picture.
I am not surprised. It does come across as a tiny bit depressive, don't you think? I don't feel depressed when I look at it though. Because it was such a relief making it. I have been stuck now for a larger part of my life than not when it comes to seeking out a life as an artist. Sad but true. Sometimes I think that stuckness just is, and always will be. That maybe it is not actually being stuck. More having a distorted image of what life should be as opposed to what it is. But when l feel stuck ti feels like this. Being dragged down into the ground by a tick, smeary goo, looking up at a mountain knowing I have to, or at least should climb it. Depressing? Maybe. But being able to at least express it somehow makes me feel lighter already. This day I had no patience working with just one image... Maybe finished. Maybe I will paint the houses black. Hmm... I love the meditational quality of colouring in one circle at the time. One tiny leaf. And some sky.
I have made the first attempt at filming when I draw and paint. Didn't turn out very interesting, hehe. But I am going to try it out until I find it worth sharing. I love watching other artists create! Love! I don’t think I am alone having felt this:
Boredom with the everyday. I know it is a question of perception, of restlessness induced by a media culture that values ever ongoing action and excitement and maybe a lack of sense of meaningfulness in our (my) life. I used to be almost phobic of being bored. Of finding myself in the nothingness of my apartment or my life. And for a long while I thought the solution was to try and fill myself up with something: some activity, watching tv, walking for hours instead of going home… I have even stuffed myself with sweets until I felt sick rather than “be bored”. Do you recognize this? And then a couple of things happened. I met the man of my dreams. (How can you then be bored?) And one of his traits that has been truly beneficial to me is his ability to just hang around doing nothing. And with him it was suddenly an exquisite experience. Just laying on our backs in the park watching the dogwalkers, the clouds and the movement of leaves. The experience of meeting him, someone warm and open who actually loved me for me, was so adventurous and soothing to me I suddenly started to savour every moment. And then my relationship to my father’s wife deepened. She has a truly deep connection with nature, and is a textile artist. And fell head to toes in love with her way to look at the forest and transform what she saw into capes and dresses and crayon drawings. I started interacting with nature in a new way. I also picked up art again. Slowly, carefully, and the ferociously when I discovered how good it made me feel. How can you be bored when there is so much to look at? The third thing that happened was that I started drama school. And I think that up to that point it was the most transformative event in my life. It changed my outlook on life and my creativity profoundly. One of the things was the study of detail. How, through studying a character, I could loose myself in her every move, action, thought. Studying every aspect of life suddenly became a tool to understand and interpret another human being. Every emotion and thought and observation became material to create. Also we did a lot of exercises designed to help us be more creative in our outlook on life and other human beings. One of my favorites is this one: The hero in everyone. It is perfect to stop unnecessary boredom on for example commuter trains –potentially one of the most dreary everyday situations. What you do is you pick someone, anyone. Look at that person carefully, and then imagine a movie in which that person is the main character, the hero. What kind of movie would it be, who would that person be in the movie? For example right now I see a man across the “alley” (between sitting groups), wearing jeans and a grey cardigan, half asleep listening to something in giant headphones, who didn’t have the time to shave this morning and will probably receive some kind of comment at work because of it. He is not just that guy. I see him in a uniform. Back straight, not a crest or wrinkle on his wear, a twinkle in his grey eyes. He is a flight captain. The Second World War is raging. He is on his way to go on a flight mission to pick up fugitives, members of the resistance in France who have been exposed and have vital information. He knows it is a mission that may cost him and his fellow soldiers their lives, but they have faith in him. And he has faith in his beliefs of a better world. Ok, I hear you. Accuracy, fortunately, is not necessary in this exercise (I’d be in trouble history wise…). Just go with the flow of your imagination. Love Most of us have been there. Most of us return time and time again. With long stretches of time in between, or often. Some of us get stuck for much longer than we would like to. Desert land. Just thinking about it I feel my mouth dry up and my body and soul start shriveling. Rolling up like a dry piece of parchment. No savour, no succulence, no spirit. Moistless, Tasteless. Almost total numbness. The second we realize we are there we start trying to figure out how to escape. At least I do. Who wants to be stuck in complete nothingness? Only, if you just hold on for a second. If you just allow yourself to take a breath. Close your eyes. Accept you are where you are for a reason. And open your eyes again. (I know, I know. Doesn't quiet capture the beauty of desert sand, but let's pretend, ok?)
You will see the desert land is not empty. It just seems that way at first glance. Take a closer look and you will see an infinite number of orange, rose, golden, yellow, brown, grey, white pearls. A beetle that scurries on to find the perfect place to dig. A desert fox turning her large ears like discs trying to find and catch the beetle. The dance of the hot air above the ground. At one point in my life I struggled hard with self-hatred and a distorted body image. For month and month on end I dragged myself through desert land, denying myself rest, denying myself even the water in the oasis. Just pushing myself onward onward without even looking up to see if I was going in the right direction. I was given treatment and met a group of young women also struggling, and a therapist: Madeleine. Madeleine said many wise things, but one thing I carry with me to this day: Only in the desert, the Saguaro blooms. Sometimes we have to be in desert land for certain things to come to life. Desert land can be a gift. A gift of rest for the eye and the mind. A gift of focusing on the essential. A gift of emptying oneself and one’s surroundings to give room for something else. That time I rediscovered my voice. And my love of singing. And through singing a discovery that my body can be used to create something beautiful. Desert land is still dry. It is still harsh. But it is also serene. It is also peace and quiet. What are your experiences of desert land? What was your Saguaro? During a time when I didn’t quite know what to do with my life, or which my place in the Universe is (when do you ever get sure?) I had such an enormous longing for that close, close friendship. The one where you know each other almost inside and out. The one where sometimes you can mirror each other better then you can see yourself. Where you can talk about anything without having to feel afraid and vulnerable. The kind of friendship it is hard to find time for in this time of stress.
I had this inner image of sitting inside a golden bubble, hung up high in the branches of a tree, with the rays of the sun seeping through the foliage. A world of its’ own to be in and meet each other in beyond space and time. I would so much enjoy finding out the stories behind other's creations as well! What are you making/have you made, and what is its' story? Comment and make me happy :)! Leave a link to where you have more work if you want to! Love! I actually have no idea where this man came from. I was sitting in class at the university. Staring out in nothingness while listening to a
lecturer repeat at length what I had already read in the book we were assigned to have studied before the lecture (Why do they do that?). And I guess my hand was moving, so I guess I was sketching and then I looked down into my notebook and there he was. I was surprised. For the past months all the sketches sprung from my own imagination had been of women. Versions of me I guess. And now there was this thin-haired man in a suit. He was accompanied by a story. Nothing spectacular. Just about going to work. Spending time in front of the mirror at home to carefully choose what to wear. To look smart. To look like he belongs. The expensive suit crisp and new, smelling fresh and unused. Going to work. And realizing the suit is of the wrong colour. The amused excluding glances from his colleagues. It should have been granite, not navy. Fool. And the New Year is off!
And to a good start too :). If I look back at the history of my business, and the dreamcreating part of my life I see this: During 2011 I planted the seed for a new plant. Me and P had our second child and started to feel complete as a family and I started a business. My businss started up with a great opportunity to collaborate with a friend of mine to conduct a health survey and analyze it for a large company. I was excited since that job gave me money to start investing in my other dream: to create as a living. This was during the summer. Autumn was filled with sleplessness and nursing and babyblues and joy over the true angel we were sent. As well as joy over watching our toddler twist and turn into slowly becoming a brother. Not much business. Not much creating. Lots of tears and laughter. 2012 was in some ways a year of challenge. Not having slept properly for years, or having time for myself started to take its' toll on me. I struggled to find energy, to stop negative thoughts and fears from invading me, I was without job and had to find employment and I started showing signs of depression. Throughout all of this I always felt my little family around me as a beacon of love and support. And I kept on creating, creating, creating in the tiny bits of time I could find. I even had my first ever exhibition and sold my first two prints! Yay! I realized that in order to make my business work, I needed to get my head straight and make myself work. I embarked on a spiritual journey to find strenght and the wise voice inside. I journaled and wrote every now and then on my blog (www.robinhasadream.blogspot.com). Until I came to the realization that I needed to gain health and clarity first. Then do business. So I quit blogging and did a lot of thinking, reading and listening to wise people (www.leoniedawson.com, www.marieforleo.com, anthony robbins, www.chrisguillebeua.com and gabby bernstein of www.gabbytv.com amongst others). I booked my second exhibition wich will hopefully take place this year. The signs of depression grew stronger and by the end of the year I realized I needed to face all my fears and worries and procrastrinating head on right away or become ill. And so that's what I decided to do. 2013. I somehow almost magically managed with the turn of the year to turn my negative thoughts into calm ones. I have quit sugar and carbohydrates to help myself stabilize my physical system to support my mind and emotions (one week now, yay!). I have begun to ease into a firmer structure where I create with purpose for a couple of hours the days I don't work. And I feel a new kind of courage to step onto my path more boldly. I am a creative. I am an artist. The gift I bring the world is my art. I am set on believing this. This is my path for now. I know there are tens of thousands of artists out there way more skilled than I am. That doesn't scare me anymore. I love them and what they create! And I deeply value the joy and love I am able to give my family when I am happy and in alignment with my true essence. And that is when I create art. And when I lie on my deathbed I want to think of how I finally had the courage to take the leap and try to make it following my dreams. No matter how slowstarted I am, or how scared. Actually no matter if I succeed or not. When I press the publishbutton for this webpage I am taking the leap. I hope you will find some joy and inspiration here and that you will follow me on the journey towards dreamland and share with me your travels. Love! /Robin |