I am always so happy to hang around my father's wife.
She always has these interesting creative projects going on and I am always welcome to join her.
One of the things she has taught me is something called nuno felting. It is a Japanese felting method and I love how physical and meditative it is.
Fish and birds seem to be part of the images that appear in me more often than not. They usually look about the same. But yesterday I met a new fish. A fish of different colour. Because usually they don't have any colour. This one does.
As a kid I was fascinated by the fact that you could do something that so obviously made you deteriorate inside and out. Voluntarily. As an adult I know smoking is just a very concrete version of this behaviour. Many of us do it everyday in different ways. Negative self talk so as to seem humble and/or worthy of praise. Unhealthy eating. Watching TV shows that make us feel bad. Allowing ourselves to be swallowed up by work that doesn't fill us up. The list goes on.
I am on a journey to quit doing these things. Starting with negative self talk and negative interpretation of past, present and future events. And of course actually going for my dream even though I watch a fair amount of TV when I could be creating.
After feeling like being dug down far inside a mountain. When it concerns inner change and development. When it concerns following my artistic dreams. When it concerns living my values.
I got the feeling a while ago, that I have now finally entered a process forward. I almost do not dare say it's for real this time. So many times have I set up a goals and set the sails for new land. Only to find myself again in the exact same spot (hence previous picture). So this time I am taking it slow. Feeling my way. Allowing the changes to grow a bit on their own, just doing my best to ease along.
My mother hates this picture.
I am not surprised.
It does come across as a tiny bit depressive, don't you think?
I don't feel depressed when I look at it though. Because it was such
a relief making it.
I have been stuck now for a larger part of my life than not when it comes to seeking out a life as an artist. Sad but true. Sometimes I think that stuckness just is, and always will be. That maybe it is not actually being stuck. More having a distorted image of what life should be as opposed to what it is. But when l feel stuck ti feels like this. Being dragged down into the ground by a tick, smeary goo, looking up at a mountain knowing I have to, or at least should climb it.
But being able to at least express it somehow makes me feel lighter already.
This day I had no patience working with just one image...
Maybe finished. Maybe I will paint the houses black. Hmm...
I love the meditational quality of colouring in one circle at the time. One tiny leaf.
And some sky.
I have made the first attempt at filming when I draw and paint. Didn't turn out very interesting, hehe. But I am going to try it out until I find it worth sharing. I love watching other artists create!
Most of us have been there. Most of us return time and time again. With long stretches of time in between, or often. Some of us get stuck for much longer than we would like to.
Just thinking about it I feel my mouth dry up and my body and soul start shriveling. Rolling up like a dry piece of parchment.
No savour, no succulence, no spirit.
Moistless, Tasteless. Almost total numbness.
The second we realize we are there we start trying to figure out how to escape. At least I do. Who wants to be stuck in complete nothingness?
Only, if you just hold on for a second. If you just allow yourself to take a breath. Close your eyes. Accept you are where you are for a reason. And open your eyes again.
(I know, I know. Doesn't quiet capture the beauty of desert sand, but let's pretend, ok?)
You will see the desert land is not empty. It just seems that way at first glance. Take a closer look and you will see an infinite number of orange, rose, golden, yellow, brown, grey, white pearls. A beetle that scurries on to find the perfect place to dig. A desert fox turning her large ears like discs trying to find and catch the beetle. The dance of the hot air above the ground.
At one point in my life I struggled hard with self-hatred and a distorted body image. For month and month on end I dragged myself through desert land, denying myself rest, denying myself even the water in the oasis. Just pushing myself onward onward without even looking up to see if I was going in the right direction.
I was given treatment and met a group of young women also struggling, and a therapist: Madeleine.
Madeleine said many wise things, but one thing I carry with me to this day:
Only in the desert, the Saguaro blooms.
Sometimes we have to be in desert land for certain things to come to life. Desert land can be a gift. A gift of rest for the eye and the mind. A gift of focusing on the essential. A gift of emptying oneself and one’s surroundings to give room for something else. That time I rediscovered my voice. And my love of singing. And through singing a discovery that my body can be used to create something beautiful.
Desert land is still dry. It is still harsh. But it is also serene. It is also peace and quiet.
What are your experiences of desert land? What was your Saguaro?
During a time when I didn’t quite know what to do with my life, or which my place in the Universe is (when do you ever get sure?) I had such an enormous longing for that close, close friendship. The one where you know each other almost inside and out. The one where sometimes you can mirror each other better then you can see yourself. Where you can talk about anything without having to feel afraid and vulnerable. The kind of friendship it is hard to find time for in this time of stress.
I had this inner image of sitting inside a golden bubble, hung up high in the branches of a tree, with the rays of the sun seeping through the foliage. A world of its’ own to be in and meet each other in beyond space and time.
I would so much enjoy finding out the stories behind other's creations as well! What are you making/have you made, and what is its' story? Comment and make me happy :)! Leave a link to where you have more work if you want to!